Posts
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Politician fixes all world's problems using only unswerving confidence in own bullshit opinions
WASHINGTON DC. Wrongs righted, poverty defeated, justice restored. It’s just another day in the life of Congressman Don Ferdinand. What’s perhaps more surprising is the secret of his success, which he revealed today during a cross party caucus in his home town of Shropshire, Ohio.
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Ordering second cheapest bottle of wine on menu "pretty reliable", reports local diner
EDINBURGH. When faced with a bewildering wine list and an incomprehensible sommelier, ordering the second cheapest bottle of wine on the menu is a “pretty reliable” way to choose a bottle of wine, a local man revealed today.
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Music young people are listening to these days "just noise", insists middle aged man
LINCOLN. A local man today insisted to friends that popular music is in terminal decline, adding that most current popular music could be described as “just noise, really”. Craig Shearer, 47, from Horncastle, near Lincoln, made the somewhat predictable declaration over drinks with work colleagues in a local pub.
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Survey: why isn't the The Indifferent updated more often?
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Government budget deficit this year is 375,000,000 bottles of Dom Pérignon '61, says Chancellor
WESTMINSTER. Government budgets are too big to understand; the best fiscal policy is pure luck; large budgets are more easily understood when converted into an equivalent number of expensive bottles of champagne. Those were among the surprises revealed today by the Chancellor, who, in a rare unguarded - and possibly inebriated - press conference at the Treasury, revealed perhaps more than he intended about the genesis of the government’s fiscal policy.
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Aim low with New Year's resolutions, resolvers told
BIRMINGHAM. People making commitments to change their behaviour in the New Year should aim for trivially easy targets to increase their chance of success, a local taxi driver told relations today.
Peter Oldham, 48, was helping himself to an additional portion of parsnips during his families traditional New Year’s Day roast when he offered the unsolicited advice to a gathering of seven or eight relatives.
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Probability misunderstood by 114% of people
SHROPSHIRE. At least 114% of British citizens have no understanding of simple probability, new research published today reveals. A study undertaken by Professor Gordon Delicious, Professor of Statistical Nonsense at the University of Shropshire, looked at how well ordinary people coped with GCSE level mathematical concepts.
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Cyclist celebrates on the inside after outpacing fellow commuters on extremely minor incline
BRIXTON. An office worker today celebrated on the inside after overtaking eight fellow cyclists on a busy uphill road in South London. Tom Johnson, 32, was the first of the group of eight unconnected commuters to reach the top of Brixton Hill, and revealed that while it may have looked easy, a lot of effort was involved.
“My heart was beating pretty hard, but it’s important to look relaxed when you overtake people,” Johnson explained. “ You can’t let them know that you’re racing them. But everybody races sometimes.”
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Talentless amateur sportsman running out of excuses for lack of prowess
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Avocado continuing to advance on unsuspecting world
LONDON. The avocado has continued its unwarranted advance on dinnerplates across the globe, new research published today has revealed.
The squishy, tastless fruit has long been a staple of guacamole and bland salads but has recently also been making significant advances in side-salads, sandwiches and burgers.
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Food still fine to eat for "at least two weeks" after sell-by date, student insists
SHROPSHIRE. The sell-by dates on food products can be safely extended by around two weeks, a student claimed today. Liam Madden, 20, who is studying Astrophysics with Golf Course Management at the University of Shropshire, insisted that the suggested dates were “proper cautious” and that other factors could be used to determine food edibility.
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Man Sets New Timewasting Record After Reading 231 Pages On Wikipedia While Pretending To Work
MANCHESTER. A bored office worker today set a new timewasting record after he read 231 articles on Wikipedia in one eight hour working day. Tom Marsh, 26, estimates the feat took in the region of six and a half hours, and smashed his own record of 157 pages, set last November.
“The key to wasting that amount of time is to not be afraid of just reading about things you actually aren’t that interested in,” Marsh explained. “Just start with something you have a passing interest in, and then take something related to that, and then something related to that, and so on, and so on - until you’re reading about the Scandanavian Welfare Model and you can’t remember why.”
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Union leaders to stop annoying everyone after Union Of Union Leaders calls immediate strike
LONDON. The chiefs of many of Britain’s leading Trade Unions today went on strike, refusing to call any other strikes until their demands were met. The Union Of Union Leaders called for an immediate strike citing a lack of respect for their members. UoUL issued a statement saying that “union leaders have been pilloried for too long … [they] deserve some damn respect and they won’t be making any unrealistic demands to employers until they get it”.
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Most sentences that start "I'm not racist, but..." actually a bit racist, survey reveals
SHROPSHIRE. When people start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but…”, they generally tend to follow it up with something a little bit racist, it was revealed today.
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Man's short lived attempt at preparing packed lunches for self officially over
LONDON. A valiant but short lived attempt to save money and eat more healthily came to an end today when a local man officially ended his stint of preparing healthy lunches, returning instead to his customary ritual of selecting a packaged sandwich at random from the supermarket across the street from his office.
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News anchor feels personal responsibility to take everyone in entire world to task
LONDON. A television news anchor from London feels a deep personal responsibility to ask everyone in the entire world tough questions, it was revealed today. In a frank interview with himself, John Gator, 57, made the admission after he backed himself into a corner with an uncomfortable line of questioning.
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Man in old clothes accidentally fashionable
LONDON. A mature student, well known amongst his friends for never bothering to buy new clothes, became briefly fashionable today after he accidentally put together a new season outfit from some old clothes he found lying around. Dave Barry, 43, admitted he never really cares what he is wearing, adding that he was “both surprised and delighted” to learn that some of his crappy old clothes had become trendy since he last wore them.
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Local couple respond to low ice cream prices by eating more ice cream
SHEFFIELD. A local couple have been making the most of the cold weather by enjoying low prices on a variety of ice cream brands at local supermarkets. David Hogg, 34, and his wife Hannah, have reported a huge increase in their consumption of the frozen desert, despite the fact that it is more commonly associated with hot weather.”There are plenty of half price boxes of ice creams”, David explained earlier today. “Sometimes you see ‘buy one get one free’ too, which is not quite the same, but it is still pretty good. I guess we just use the special offers to help tell us what to buy - that’s probably why we eat lots of puddings and root vegetables in summer.”
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Nothing wrong with Punch and Judy politics, says Punch
Childrens entertainer Punch today leapt to the defense of so called “Punch and Judy politics”, insisting it had been “unfairly maligned” by opponents trying to discredit him ahead of the general election in May. Speaking in South London, where he is contesting the Croydon North seat on behalf of the Seaside Puppet Party, Punch insisted that Punch And Just politics was exactly what the country needed to help it out of the current ecomomic downturn.
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Commuter aghast at 6 minute wait for tube
LONDON. A regular rush hour commuter was left open-mouthed earlier today, after learning the next tube would not arrive at the platform for 6 minutes. Molly Jones, 29, was standing on the northbound Victoria Line platform at Green Park when she received the terrible news. “6 minutes is ridiculous”, Jones told reporters. “1 or 2 minutes is totally fine; 3 or 4 is disappointing; I’ve heard stories of 5 minutes before but 6 minutes is unprecedented. I didn’t even have a book or iPod with me. I was forced to just stare into space and got a little bit bored”.
The delay added as much as five minutes to Jones’ regular 50 minute commute, meaning that she only arrived at work five minutes early, rather than her usual ten.
Photo credit: By tompagenet (Tom Page), via Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 2.0
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Human rights to be rebranded "rights for nice people like me"
WESTMINSTER. Conservative leader David Cameron today unveiled his plans to rebrand human rights legislation following the next election. Under “Conservative Rights ©”, a name he later translated as “rights for nice people like me”, Cameron announced that burglars would be the first to lose the inalienable freedoms which were granted to “all members of the human family” in the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights. “Sometimes you just have to be pragmatic”, Cameron said at a press conference this afternoon. “We’re going to be withdrawing basic rights and freedoms, to which all humans are entitled, from anyone we don’t like.”
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Local man faces uncertain future after failing to see "must see" film
LEEDS. Local man Philip Butterworth, 41, was tonight facing a difficult future after a “must see” film left local cinemas before he was able to see it. Despite being repeatedly told by his partner, friends, work colleagues and national newspapers that the film was a “must see”, Butterworth, 38, today told reporters today that “to be honest, I’d forgotten it was on”.
While Butterworth accepted that the film “looked like it might not be too bad”, when offered the chance to see the movie, Butterworth chose to stay at home and play video games instead, saying that he “didn’t really fancy going to the cinema”, adding that he was “a bit knackered”.
This is, of course, not the first time that Butterworth has flirted with danger, having previously failed to read a “must read” book and repeatedly failed to watch “must see” programmes on television.
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Compare the meerkat now fifth most popular meerkat comparison site
RUSSIA. Following a high profile and relentless disambiguation campaign, Russian website comparethemeerkat.com has now become the world’s fifth most popular destination for users seeking to compare meerkats. Though the advertisements initially started to help redirect lost Internet users looking to compare car insurance policies, Compare The Meerkat has now itself started to grow in popularity - a welcome surprise to founder Alexandr Orlov.
“We started the adverts because we were seeing lots people looking for car insurance”, Orlov explained. “It was all pretty altruistic to begin with - I wanted to use some of my money for good so I decided to help clarify the confusion. We’ve seen a real boost in our own traffic, though - it’s unexpected but really pleasing.”
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Public warned to be on lookout for escaped Liverpool players
LIVERPOOL. Residents in the north of England were tonight warned to be on the lookout for around twenty professional footballers who escaped from Anfield this afternoon. While details of the breakout are still emerging, it is believed that the players were briefly left unsupervised and escaped through a nearby transfer window that had been left open.
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Passive voice on trial for four hundred year crime spree
LONDON. The jury was sworn in this morning at the trial of the Passive Voice, a grammatical construction which is occused of commiting a string of crimes stretching back to the invention of the newspaper 400 years ago. The charges against The Voice were detailed at length this morning, ranging from murdering people who were murdered and stealing things that were stolen to beating up people who were beaten up and laundering money that was laundered.
There has been a lot of media hype surrounding the trial, the first of its kind since the infamous “subjunctive trials”, and the presiding judge, Donald Kelly, issued strict instructions to the jury. “You will all have some relationship to The Passive Voice”, he said at the start of the trial this morning. “You will all know about some things that are or have been done, but you must disregard them. I must ask you also to disregard the previous good work conducted by the defendant, and concentrate solely on the charges at hand”, he added – referring of course to the many achievments with which The Passive Voice is credited, such as people who were rescued, miracles that were performed and men who were created equal.
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Things that happened yesterday are "yesterday's news", say media
LONDON. A conglomerate of major news broadcasters today came together to announce they would no longer be covering anything that happened more than twenty-four hours ago, branding it “yesterday’s news”. The broadcasters, who include BBC, Sky, ITV and CNN, revealed they instead intend to focus on real-time breaking news and commentary. The move was widely forecast by industry experts. “The time when viewers wanted news reporting to be accurate and reliable has come and gone”, said Mark Johnson, a London-based media analyst. “What people want is to know what’s happening now. No one cares if it’s important or true - so long as it’s happening now. People who watch twenty-four hour news channels don’t want twenty-five or twenty-six hour news. They want twenty-four hour news.”
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Survey: "Killer" chat-up lines
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Britain rocked by continued seasonal weather
Britain today was in the grip of seasonal weather as temperatures once again threatened to plunge as low as -2 degrees Celsius. Some forecasters are reported to be expecting the temperature to drop even further tonight, which would make this the coldest day since last Tuesday.
There has also been travel chaos right across the UK, with a train being cancelled in Scotland and a bus getting a little bit stuck on a hill in South London.
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Boffins annouce formula for most bullshit formula
HELSINKI. Having already given the world such trivial nonsense as the formula for creating the perfect cup of tea, the formula to find the happiest day of the year, and the “Blue Monday” formula to find the most depressing day of the year, scientists have now finally unlocked the secrets of which of these formulas contains the most useless and pointless bullshit.
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Anarchy feared as thousands buy song they don't even want to listen to
LONDON. Security services have been put on heightened alert tonight fearing mass anarchy after literally thousands of people took literally two minutes to go onto the Internet and purchases a song they literally didn’t even want to listen to. “They said protest was dead– they said people didn’t care– now they have a timely reminder of how people can achieve something really pretty inconsequential if they all come together. It’s a victory for democracy”, said some guy who had been hassling everyone to buy the goddamm song as if it could change the world or something.
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Too cold outside to be thinking about global warming, say world leaders
COPENHAGEN. Ice cold temperatures in Northern Europe have emerged today a major roadblock in the stalled climate change negotiations. At this afternoon’s press conference, world leaders surprised the assembled presspack by admitting they were struggling to stay focused on the matter in hand. “It’s been tough,” admitted Hilary Clinton, US Secretary of State. “People are talking about a possible rise of 1.5 to 5 degrees celsius over the next century, but it’s hard to think about that right now.We’re deadlocked on more important questions, like if we remembered to buy de-icer and if we can afford to have that central heating on for a little bit longer”.
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Sporting world rocked as multi-millionaire superstar loses minor sponsorship because he got caught up in some scandal or whatever
FLORIDA. The sporting world was rocked today by the news that a really rich dude has lost the sponsorship of some company you had vaguely heard of but weren’t quite sure what they did anyway. The sponsorship deal, which was worth more money than you can expect to earn in a lifetime, had been keeping a famous sportsman fed and clothed for many years, but now I dare say he will be out on the street begging for scraps.
The lost sponsorship is a crushing blow for the mega-rich superstar. Sources close to the family suggest that his destitution is now so great he might have to stop using his private plane to pop down to the shops to get a paper and a packet of fags. Today’s news also comes hots on the heels of yesterday’s announcment that another sponsor, who was a bit more famous than this one, would not be renewing their deal, explaining how that had nothing to do with the ton of bad press they had been getting, but instead was because they and their client had “grown apart”.
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Profanity most commonly used by stupid f***ing twats says new f***ing research
SHROPSHIRE. New research published today by the linguistics department at the University Of Shropshire has provided further evidence that those who most commonly use profanity are really just stupid fucking idiots. “Frequent use of profanity, and in particular, strong sexual swear words, is really a habit that we are most likely to finds amongst twats and fucking arseholes”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, associate Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire since 1996. “We looked at the kind of people who swore, and decided we really didn’t like them or their stupid fucking faces at all.”
When challenged on his own liberal use of expletives, Dr Sparboom was unrepentant. “My research suggests most swearing is done by stupid goddamn fuckwits”, he explained. “I don’t think my own use of swear words contradicts that theory – if anything, I think it supports it.” As evidence that he really is a total fucking pillock and a complete waste of fucking space, Dr Sparboom pointed us to his academic record, which sure enough is a total fucking embarrassment and reveals what a fucking joke the man really is.
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