LONDON. Security services have been put on heightened alert tonight fearing mass anarchy after literally thousands of people took literally two minutes to go onto the Internet and purchases a song they literally didn’t even want to listen to. “They said protest was dead– they said people didn’t care– now they have a timely reminder of how people can achieve something really pretty inconsequential if they all come together. It’s a victory for democracy”, said some guy who had been hassling everyone to buy the goddamm song as if it could change the world or something.

“That’ll teach Simon Cowell a big lesson,” he continued, despites pleas for him not to bother. “Some of us even are considering not watching his shows any more, even though that will make it harder for us to complain about them the whole time”.